Night war manual

Not the Hundred Years'. Not the Vietnam one. Not even the television audience one. By so far, the bloodiest war that a dated average man can endure is the one that he puts up every night to maintain his side of the bed.

Not all of them survive, truth be told. And to undertake this battle with certain victory guarantees, nothing better than follow the advice of this campaign manual that I provide you with, oh, my poor dandies.

1. A good initial deployment is fundamental. The officers experienced in a thousand and one night skirmishes know that the best posture always passes placing oneself sideways and diagonally. For it, the choice tactic is the one to nestle their face lovingly on the enemy's shoulder, just at the beginning of the contention. Result? You'll occupy almost all of the battlefield since the start and your enemy will have trouble to maneuver. This is a winner fundamental tactic in every battle for a good Sealy mattress.

2. Continue deploying your army well. Observe your body. Analyze it. Are you tall? Make the most of the rearguard area: your knees and your feet are your best weapons. Do you have some extra pounds? Then play with the intimidation factor. Your enemy will care a lot for stepping in involuntary rollings (or so she thinks). The slim ones count on the always effective leech tactic: sneak on the sheets through every gap they find and use their sharp joints by way of machine gun. Even the small ones can get benefit, as they withdraw easily on the edge and they can plan their next strategy tranquilly, to the sound of the snores of a too confident enemy.

3. Don't ever give a post up for lost. Doubtlessly, the war that is put up at night for each hand of the viscolestatic is an exhaustion war. If, for example, your arm barely holds out on the little piece of mattress that is left by your right side and you unexpectedly receive a new ramming from that pointed elbow, try to counter-attack with the filthiest strategy that comes to your mind. Raising your arm -as hinting that you submissively accept your defeat- at the level of your forehead and letting it fall distractedly on your enemy's head may make them pull back. An innocent yank of the eiderdown upwards with the intent to cover up doesn't usually raise suspicions, and it allows you to place, with a skillful waving movement, a fluffy and beautiful barrier that will protect you from future attacks (it requires practice). In any case, never stop fighting. Use all the means at your fingertips, fight for each hand of land. Did you ever hear about trench war? Well, this is the same thing, but in sateen white.

4. The multiple dirty tricks which the fighter may be a victim of for the whole night deserve a special mention. "Can you bring me some water?", "I can hear a noise downstairs", "Did you lock up?" or "Open the door to the cat, honey" are some of the most common, but there are many more. All of them pursue the same: snatch your side of the bed in the brief lapse of time when you, courteous warrior, carry the commanded tasks out. You will frequently come back with, let's say, the damn cell phone charger -forgotten in the living room, ha!- and you will find that she has gotten squashed in your side of the bed, she'll have fallen asleep, and you'll have to plug the cell phone in yourself groping. And on top of that, you'll make noise and you'll get a severe warning -as, since the Geneva Conventions, noise is considered a weapon even worse than the racism bombs in the war of full mattresses.

5. If all the previous fails, resort to the next tactic. Independent of the point of the battle you find yourselves in, sneak gently under the sheets. Take her panties down, slowly or all in one indolent go (this depends: know your enemy). Begin giving her little smooches -like wingbeats- on her thighs, and after an instant, put your tongue like a missile in her pussy. Do your best. If after a short while you check that she is sitting up and coming to your side of the bed with her eyes half-shut, you maneuvered well. Make love. Hold on tight to your hands, cover the battlefield with sweat. Shut your eyes and shout a lot. Take your breath between resounding kisses and euphoric future plans, such as purchasing a bigger house. Laugh. Hug. Tell her that you love her and she will confess you -ha- that you keep on fucking very well. She'll get up to go to the bathroom and she'll say that she's back with you right away. Glance at the door, which gives off a little thread of light. Hurry up and nestle sideways and diagonally.